all i want is just a peace of mind.. why did i even bother to care when at the end i am hurt? hahs.. looking back i guess it was all worth it? hmm.. well, it kind of is, i did learn quite a whole load of things i didnt realize about myself.. how insensitive i am, how hot tempered i am, how lonely i am, how pathetic my life is.. Robert T. Kiyosaki says "a mistake is simply a lesson with emotions attached to it". at some point i was feeling that i am turning into my father.. not that my father is a bad person, but some traits in him that i dont want to have starts to pop out.. dont get me wrong, my dad loves my sister and i very much, he is willing to do practically anything for me and my sis.. but then again, i dont mean to dishonor him, but there are parts of him i am not proud of.. and i am turning into that direction..

when pastor paul scanlon came last week, he took out a book from his bag of resources that he brought from england. it was titled "i am not my father". the title kind of struck me, here i am getting more and more like the bad parts of my dad and there it was, a book saying i am not my father. i went home that day and surf into his church's website. i found a podcast about the book. the message somehow relates to me, i dont really know what am i feeling about it, but i do know that i can now say that 'i am not my father'. we may have the same gene, we may have the same last name but who i am inside will not be determined by who my biological dad is. who i am inside will be determined by how much am i going to let my dad in heaven work in me.

i have mixed feelings in me now. on one side i am scared of going to cell group later for some obvious reason. on another i know that i was placed in that place not for nothing. i am really tired right now, all i wanted is to just go home and have a nice time at home, rest and all that. but each time i got into my computer, log on to facebook specifically, why do i have to see your name again and again? it's driving me crazy! hahs.. i wish you would just get out of my life for once. well, the emotions are still there, and i know i was the one at fault, but gosh it is so hard to recover from. i tried to write you off, tried to just ignore all these and act normal, but i just cant! why are you able to be so happy? i mean am i really just a passer by? sigh. i know saying all these isnt fair to you but i just need to let it out anyhow. i still cant bring myself to forgive you, i cant bring myself to forgive myself yet. im on the way, but not there yet. in the meantime gosh show some emotions will ya? or just be more sensitive towards me. =( (why do i even bother.. you wont even read this anyway)

a note to myself though. "YOU HAVE TO CROSS THE WATER SHAK!". cmon, i know you can do it. i understand you're under a lot of stress now, with your studies, fam problems and all but you have to be strong. remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. He'll always be here to hold your hands each of the steps you take. RISE UP! RISE UP! RISE UP! cmon.. i know you are strong:)
spoke at : 12:14 AM